How To Be More Confident

Venice, CA

It’s taken me almost 30 years to feel this confident and comfortable in my own skin.  (I, of course still get nervous, anxious, uncertain, or self conscious from time to time!)  But I wanted to write today’s post about topics many of you have shown interest in over the past few months; how to feel more confident, how to deal with insecurities and anxiety, how to handle haters and negativity, and how to push through fear or failure.  All of these topics relate to one another and I am going to share techniques that have personally worked for me.

  1. Never take advice from someone you don’t admire or want to be like.
    A friend told me her dad used to tell her this growing up and I absolutely love this statement.  We get advice thrown at us ALL THE TIME – whether it be from our parents, siblings, coworkers, neighbors, advertisements, even strangers!  It can be hard to decipher right from wrong, and make decisions on our own with so many different opinions coming at us.  Take a step back for a second next time someone offers you solicited – or unsolicited advice and really think whether you want to take it or you want it to let it go in one ear and out the other…
  2. Constantly check in with yourself and ask yourself how something makes you feel.
    Does it make you feel good, bad, sad, unsettled?  Pausing and asking yourself this simple question, allows you to think through all of your options and make the right decision for YOU – a decision you can feel confident about.
  3. Trust your gut and listen to your intuition- 99.9% of the time it’s right.
    Your gut KNOWS.  I have ignored my gut instinct many times in my life and have been sooooo disappointed at myself afterwards – listen to that inner voice!!!
  4. Accept the fact that you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and be genuinely ok with that.
    No one is liked by everyone.  There will always be haters, there will always be negativity in the world, there will always be someone saying something about so and so.  There will also always be supporters, lovers, positivity, kindness and karma that will far outweigh that noise – I promise!  How people treat you or anyone else – is actually a reflection of how they feel about themselves.  Does someone who is content and happy inside have the time or desire to attack, put down, or scrutinize others?  Nope!  So just feel sorry for whoever tries to put you down, wish them well, and move on with your life.
  5. Surround yourself with genuine people.
    Find your tribe.  Evaluate all of the relationships in your life and make sure you have cultivated a small handful of real, true, honest friends who will have your back whether you are broke AF, injured, sad, unemployed – you name it.  These people will lift you up and recharge you when you’re feeling down.  These people will reassure you when you need it the most and remind you that you are unique, special and beautiful.  
  6. Pull away and steer clear of anyone who makes you feel off or bad about yourself because…
    “You become like the 5 people you spend most of your time with. Choose wisely.”  This seems pretty obvious right?  But it’s actually not.  It’s actually really hard!  I’ve personally been purging and pulling away from certain friends and acquaintances over the years who either make me feel off (sometimes we can’t even explain it, but again, trust your gut!), come off as vapid, shallow, not uplifting, and/or only want something from me.  What’s extremely tricky about this is that often times these aren’t “bad” people and they probably aren’t purposely trying to be like this!  The two choices you have in a situation like this are – you can confront them about how you’re feeling (which sometimes is great and can actually strengthen a friendship and change the person for the better), or politely bow out of things and let it fade.  You don’t have to be mean about it, or cut people out of your life cold turkey, just do what feels best for you.  
  7. Stop thinking everyone is judging you – I swear most people don’t even notice whatever it is you’re worried about.
    Think about it though – majority of the time everyone is so busy living in their OWN world and head, thinking about their OWN problems, dreams, to-do lists, significant others or plans for the night to even notice the things WE are insecure about!  No one but you is looking at, cares about, or likes you less, because of your pimple, stretch marks, bank account, apartment, whatever it may be.  And if they do I suggest you re-read #6 and go with option #2.  
  8. Invest in self care time and become your own best friend.
    Get in touch with yourself and take care of yourself through massage, baths, therapy, exercise, food, meditation, reading, travel, a new hobby or class.   It is so important to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.  This is your foundation for life!  We cannot always rely on others, we have to be able to pick ourselves up, give yourselves that pep talk, pat ourselves on the back, and reassure ourselves.  This should probably have gone first on the list!
  9. Embrace your quirks and flaws.  BE YOURSELF.  Stop trying to be like everyone else (I am constantly reminding myself of this!)
    Someone asked me if I ever suffered from imposter syndrome.  If I ever compared myself to others.  If I ever felt bad about myself.  Of course – yes!!!!!!  Especially in my industry.  Social media is an amazing and powerful tool, but let’s be real, it can also be extremely draining and toxic.  We are inundated with images of other people, material objects, places, opinions, literally ALL THE TIME.  It’s a lot.   I want to share a quick story on proof of why it’s SO important to be yourself, listen to your gut and stay true to who you are… A few months ago I hired a consultant to give me creative direction and feedback on my Instagram and social channels since I am in the middle of a rebrand (I can’t wait  for you to see my new website!)  She sent me a PDF of images from 6 influencers who either didn’t have blogs at all or who barely blogged, and were essentially instagram models.  She told me I should start posing like them.  She said I should start taking more selfies because “People love selfies” – and regardless of whether I wanted to, I should do it for the likes – and essentially live for the ‘ gram.  I choked on my water.  WOW I thought this woman does not get me at all – she does not understand the message I am trying to convey or the business I have built over the past 8 years.  Obviously I didn’t take her advice, but I couldn’t help but think for a split second “Well should I take more selfies?”  It was as if the universe heard me, because the next day, a woman writing a book about some of the top female entrepreneurs in the country (Tory Burch being one of them!), reached out to interview me to be included in the book!  She said (among other things that she liked about me) – one was that I didn’t take tons of selfies like a lot of other bloggers.  I almost fell out of my chair when I heard that.  It was the reconfirmation I needed to know that my instinct was right and to keep doing what I was doing and just stay true to myself. 
  10. Stock your wardrobe with classic, tailored, neutral business casual pieces that you can mix and match  for any occasion.
    There’s no denying that slipping on something like a gorgeous, flattering LBD gives us that extra pep in our step.  Or that wearing a chic blazer during a big meeting helps you own a room.  Clothing does play a huge role in confidence and our presentation to the world.  So take a little time for yourself and invest in simple pieces – you don’t have to spend a ton of money – that make you look and feel good!

Thank you ladies for all of your feedback on my Wellness series.  It’s been one of the highlights of my career thus far sharing more personal information, tips, and tricks I’ve learned along the way with all of you.  I have so much more to share and so much more to say and I am grateful for such a receptive and supportive audience and community!

This week’s giveaway is $250 worth of any products of YOUR CHOICE from Goop.com.  Browse the website and tell me which item you’d be most excited to pick out in the comments below.  Subscribe to my Youtube (I’m so close to 1,000!!!!), Subscribe to my newsletter, Follow me on Instagram, and engage with/like any of my last 3 photos.  Winner will be announced on FRIDAY!  XO

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Lauren Ralph Lauren blazer (similar, similar) // Forever 21 bodysuit
Veronica Beard pants (also love these)  |  Stuart Weitzman heels
Missoma London necklace  |  Jennifer Zeuner lariat

Carly Tumen Photography

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