How I Got Over My Breakup
Venice, CA

It feels surreal to be writing this post 3+ years after one of the most painful and pivotal events in my life.  I’ve wanted to write this for a long time, but I honestly wasn’t ready.  Many of you who have been following me for years have asked me what happened, or messaged me for advice on how to get over a break up, but I couldn’t bear the thought of “reopening that wound” until now.  I’m thankful that I’ve finally been able to heal and I wanted to share the things that really helped me work through that pain and thrive.

I dated my ex Tommy from the time I was 18 years old to the time I was almost 26 years old – a huge chunk of my young adult life (about 8 years.)  He was my best friend, my rock, my everything.  We moved in together immediately, bought a dog, and always thought we would get married and grow old together.  Moving from Arizona to NYC was a huge step in our relationship and it was so fun exploring the city as young 20 somethings!  After 8 years together and so many special life events, Tommy and I were just no longer compatible – we had grown apart.  I won’t get into the details of how things ended but I will say that it was extremely sudden and shook me to my core.  I was devastated and could barely eat or function for weeks.  Losing Tommy and everything we had together – the routine and the familiarity was scary, confusing, painful, and overwhelming.  BUT, I picked up the pieces and slowly but surely I rebuilt my life.  Here are some things that helped me work through the pain and get over my breakup:

  1. Turn to your family and friends.
    This is obvious which is why it’s #1 – but seriously, don’t hold back when you’re struggling!  You’ve been there plenty of times for them, and they are there for you.  If you’re feeling lonely reach out to them, if you need a box of donuts, ask for some, if you need a fun night out, have them take you out for one!  Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
  2. Find a good therapist.
    Depending on the severity of the break up, seeing a therapist can be insanely beneficial.  Many insurance companies will cover part of your sessions so you only have a copay – but if not, do your research online and set up consultations with several.  Not every therapist is going to be the right one for YOU.  You need to see which one jives best with you!  I saw a wonderful woman in NYC after my breakup for several months who helped me tremendously.  It was great to get an unbiased perspective and process/digest everything that happened.  You’ll be surprised how many realizations and how much clarity you can gain through committing to once a week sessions!
  3. Don’t rush the grieving process.
    I kept saying to myself, “Ok I’ll be over the breakup in a few months no problem.”  Then it was, “OMG what’s wrong with me?  Why am I not over this?!  Ok I have to be over it by the end of the year latest.”  I would put myself down for not getting over it as quickly as I thought I should.  Well, grieving doesn’t work on a time clock or calendar and sometimes it takes months or years to get over a long term breakup and that’s perfectly normal and OK.  Give yourself a break!
  4. Take the high road.
    Don’t do petty things as revenge, don’t stalk his new girlfriend, don’t try to win him back, don’t troll him on social media, don’t unfriend/delete/block him (unless he was harassing you than obviously that’s a good reason!) and basically just don’t do anything rash because you’ll regret it I promise!  Give yourself 5 minutes to cool down, take deep breaths, and think about how that petty move could affect you in the future.  Take the high road, be a class act, and carry yourself with respect and dignity because you deserve the best!
  5. “Get back out there” when you damn well feel like it!
    I made the big mistake of trying to get back at my ex and dating up a storm when I was newly single.  I set up dating profiles, I went out every night, I said yes to every loser who asked me out – just to fill the void, fill the pain, and get revenge.  And guess how it made me feel?  I got a high from it the first few times and thought it was super fun, but after a while, I felt immature, lonely, empty, and at the end of the day just plain sad.  So whether you’re pressuring yourself or a friend or family member is pressuring you to get right back out there – don’t do it.  Listen to your gut and your heart.  Heal your heart first, and and get back out there for the right reasons and you’ll be amazed at what happens!
  6. Avoid your go-to couple spots like the plague and find new ones.
    I would literally get depressed going to the local grocery store we used to go to together.  It was bad.  I would be mid tears staring at a box of rice.  Do yourself a favor and find a new corner store.  Find a new favorite hole in the wall restaurant – switch things up!  It’s a time in your life for new energy and new routines.  Embrace the unknown and you might just be surprised and discover a new favorite hole in the wall down the street and meet a gorgeous new man!  Just sayin’!
  7. Find a new hobby.
    Throwing yourself into learning how to do something is such a good way to get your mind off things and better yourself at the same time.  You may discover you had a hidden talent that you never knew of before!  It’s also a great way to meet people and may help you in other areas of life that you didn’t even think of!
  8. Create a solid set of self care rituals.
    You can read more about mine here.  A few include Friday nights in watching rom coms and ordering Postmates, epsom salt baths, meditating, yoga, dry brushing, running on the beach, baking, and burning sage.
  9. Read books about love and relationships.
    The 3 books I recommend are; The 5 Love Languages, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and The Road Less Traveled.  These books have helped me tremendously.  They gave me a new perspective into the different ways people communicate and offer so many relationship tips/tricks that I’ll use forever.  PS – the stuff I learned doesn’t just apply to significant others!  Most of it can be applied to friends and family relationships as well!
  10. Become your own best friend.
    If you feel like you’ve lost touch with that amazing, strong, vibrant woman inside of you, then start by reading DVF’s “The Woman I Wanted To Be,” go on a solo trip, and get yourself a strong set of self care rituals.  Once you become your own best friend – your pain will start melting away – I promise it really will! – and you will get that pep back in your step.  When you love and respect and honor yourself and your feelings you become a magnet for all the good things in life.  Read “The Secret” if you haven’t already and you’ll get it!

I am by no means a relationship expert, I’m just sharing what helped me heal and get over my breakup! It takes time to heal and everyone’s path to get there is different, but you will eventually be able to move on and you will feel like your normal self again.  Maybe even a better version of your self now that you’re independent!  I promise it gets easier as time goes on!  What are some techniques or things that have helped you move through a difficult time?  I’d love to know! XO








Eberjey pajamas // Third Love bra c/o // Madeline Weinrib tray c/o
Restoration Hardware bed (similar) // Wisteria dressers
Studio McGee lamps // Restoration Hardware bench (similar)

Jessica Alexander Photography

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  • Ewa Macherowska says:
    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Vatana Rosa says:

    Thanks for sharing Kat! Great tips and I wish I had these tips 20 years ago when I thought my life was over after losing ‘my first love’. It is amazing how time, maturity and self-love can change your perspective. I met my current husband (married almost 15 years now) during a time when I was focused on being good to myself and investing my ‘extra’ energy/ love to my best girlfriends. I look back on that breakup not with anger or hurt like I used to but with a sense of knowing that it was a learning experience of finding myself, that if that didn’t happened I would not have been the best me and it was also a stepping stone of having my family now. So happy for you now and I only wish you the best! xoxo

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Natali says:

    Beautifully written and such a helpful post which could be applied to some other situations of loss, not only tied to a breakup.

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Daria says:

    Thank you so much for this honest post! At the moment, I´m also experiencing how my husband and I are growing apart and I don´t know what to do. I´m not sure, whether we can fix it or not.



    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • LA says:

    This is a great post Kat, quite often fashion bloggers paint everything pink as if their lives were perfect and everyone seems to have perfect relationships and stuff. It’s nice to see that we are not alone! Great tips by the way! Xx

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • La Bijoux Bella | by mia says:

    Lovely post of encouragement to be strong and courages throughout. Such an inspiration! 💜👍🏼💜

    🌸🍃LA BIJOUX BELLA 🌸🍃| By Mia | A Creative Lifestyle Blog

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • peggy says:

    It sounds like I’ve been in a similar place – very thrown off and changed by a significant relationship that I thought would last but didn’t. And it left me totally hopeless, lifeless, and directionless. Friends of mine have told me now, after the fact, they were worried I’d never be the same. Years later, I can say that everything in your post is true. It just takes time. But like you said, finding a new hobby is a great way to speed that process up, or at least take your mind off of things. I found that doing things for others really helped me. I started volunteering as a mentor for high school students, and feeling that someone “needed” me was a great escape. I also started setting up cooking nights with my best friends. My ex and I cooked together all the time, so I really missed that and felt empty when it was gone. But providing a meal for someone else-while it wasn’t as romantic-was a really great substitute. Lots of friends offered to take me out, which does help at the time, but I found where I needed help the most was for those down times when people are usually not around: the morning after a night out with friends, Sundays where people are usually laying low, etc. So filling those “off-times” over my weekends became an important priority for me because it prevented me from being lonesome. Over time, I began to appreciate those times alone to be in my own thoughts again, but at first, they were too much to bear. And slowly but surely, little things can help you feel stronger and back in control –
    working out, eating right, etc.

    Anyway, I really resonated with this post and I’m not usually compelled to comment, but in this case I wanted to say I agree with your suggestions and here are a few more. Thanks!

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Atiqa says:

    This was so lovely and really resonates with me. I’ve been following you for years – your blog and insta as well. I don’t follow many bloggers anymore, because I just don’t find them relatable. It’s nice to know you are as lovely on the inside as you are on the outside! Anyway, stay blessed! x

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • chichi says:

    What a lovely post on dealing with breakups, specially love the point on becoming your own best friend!

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Lisa says:

    Just read this blog post. Such great advice, thank you for sharing your experience. Wishing you much happiness and many blessings!

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Cher says:

    I’m a musician and music lover in general so it’s natural for me to add this, but MUSIC really helps me through tough times. Even just some calming instrumental music can soothe your mind and help focus your attention on the good things in your life. Once you feel like you won’t burst into tears at any moment, some pump up music is a great follow-up remedy to get you feeling like you can run the world. 🙌🏻

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Catherine G. says:

    Thank you for this beautiful heartfelt piece Kat. Reading it felt like a bestie giving really good advice. I went through a similar breakup in terms of timeframe and it’s awfully difficult, but time does do its thing with the help of a lot of other things.
    💓 I’m so glad you found a new love which gives me hope.

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Jennifer says:

    Your post was so inspirational! Although I have never been in this circumstance before, I did feel all sorts of emotions when reading your post. I’m so happy to see that you’ve moved on to a happier path. Thanks for sharing. :)

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Michelle says:

    Thank you fo sharing! These are such good tips! I too had a long term relationship-around 8 years as well–and it was the hardest thing ever. It’s a little complicated to explain the details but the very very end was Summer of 2016 and I am still getting over it. It just takes time. My family forced me to do online dating and I hated it and wasn’t ready. You just have to listen to yourself to know what you can handle and when.

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Rach says:

    Thank you so much Kat for opening. I’m sure it wasn’t easy opening up that wound again. I can only imagine how hard it was. But I am glad to hear you are in a better place and these advice would definitely help someone!

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • MaryAnn says:

    I can totally relate, Kat! Thank you for sharing, I’m excited to read some of the books 📚 you recommended!

    March 9, 2018 | Reply
  • Lyddiegal says:

    So happy to hear you are finally in a better,stronger place after your breakup. I had a four year relationship end this past fall and I’m definitely starting to feel upset with myself for still not being over and having some sort of self love revolution. I want to believe it’s for the best, but it’s still hard to imagine that such a big part of my life is gone, and even harder to know that he is blissfully living his life without me (granted I don’t know that for sure, but it’s hard not to imagine it that way).
    Chic on the Cheap

    March 10, 2018 | Reply
  • Graciela says:

    Thank you for sharing. Many moons ago the love of my life married somebody else. I didn’t know until a year later, he simply assumed that I knew and assumed I was okay with it. Imagine! It broke my heart, took me years to heal and I moved out of my country. I found myself again or stumble over myself again and went through the ringer once again. Long story short, I needed up a single mother for a long time. I finally found myself and didn’t stumble over this time around. It took a while but I am finally in a better place making daily improvements. I didn’t have your resources or support in a foreign land but I had myself and raised a strong boy who admires strong women. There is always room for improvement and I seek that every day. I remarried eventually and it is still a blessing. Never forgot nor stopped loving that boy but what I love is the love I had and how it made me feel to know my heart can and is able to love many times in a single lifetime. Best wishes girl 😍

    March 10, 2018 | Reply
  • Limey says:

    That last tip was FOR SURE the best one of all. My best way to get over rupture was by starting to love myself, giving myself all the love I needed. That way, I started thinking “I don’t NEED any one, I can be happy by myself”. And even now, being in a new relationship, I learned that that’s actually a life tip, you ALWAYS need to love yourself. And love the world as well! ♥

    March 10, 2018 | Reply
  • Laura Olivos says:

    As a psychologist and a woman who has been through heart ache, I wanted to applaud you for your vulnerability and bravery. I used to scoff at bloggers and their advice, but you have shattered many stereotypes for me. I enjoy your perspective, your bravery, and grace. Keep shining and inspiring.

    March 10, 2018 | Reply
  • Jessica says:

    I wish you a lot of happiness in the future! Break-ups are hard, but life does move on! You look absolutely beautiful, as always!

    March 10, 2018 | Reply
  • Shopdealman says:

    Beautiful! and flower is so stylish.
    Have a nice day!

    Beautiful! and bag is so stylish.
    Have a nice day!

    March 11, 2018 | Reply
  • Lauren says:

    Thank you for sharing! That was great and I agree with it all! I don’t think a lot of people know how to be alone. It can be scary but I think it’s an important thing to know in life. Trust yourself and your decisions and like you said, be your own best friend!

    March 11, 2018 | Reply
  • ivana split says:

    This is great advice! I think that just spending time with ourselves, learning new things, taking ‘me’ time is the best way to get over a break up.

    March 13, 2018 | Reply
  • Taylor says:

    Such a great, encouraging post. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re not alone in one of the worst times of life, you know? Glad I found this post. :)

    March 19, 2018 | Reply